Aayooba’s Diaries: A letter to 27
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It’s now time to say goodbye. Was it not only yesterday that we were doing that to 26? Oh right, that was some three hundred and sixty-something days ago. Indeed, it feels like no time has passed at all. Yet we both know so much has taken place since then for us, by us and to us. You have laughed, sighed, tried and been tried. For some time, I have been thinking of how best to write this year’s letter and say a proper goodbye, and I’ve realised it’s only right that I begin from the very start.
You left Instagram. For real, for shizzle. That was not half as tough as I thought it would be. Actually, now that I see how much good that has done, you probably should have put your foot down sooner than when you did. No offense to the app and its multimillion users but struggling with detachment more than engagement, especially with people that I genuinely care about about wasn’t how I envisioned spending the rest of my 20s. Anyway, that’s all in the past now. I am aware that you’re desperate to know if we will ever go back on there but my honest response is that I think we will just have to wait to find out. I am also reminded that you wanted to leave Twitter too but you haven’t, why is that? Is it because you still spend time posturing on there? Lol, I hope you make it out of that hood someday soon.
A gorgeous colour for a gorgeous gorgeous girl. Dyeing hair has never been one of those decisions anyone mulls over for too long because well, it’s just hair. Also, you’re one to always make impulsive decisions. This time though, you paused and researched before you made up your mind. I am grateful that you did because look how it turned out to be a big part of your identity this year. Imagine you didn’t get it right and we were forced to do something grave, like cut off your hair? Sometimes, big deals are disguised as little deals and it’s nice to see you gradually start to understand that.
Life supports life
In December, you got a sign that you were finally going to catch a break. Then March came and took all of that away. I don’t think you ever did process that loss accordingly, to be honest. Or maybe you did and I’m the one in denial about how big of a possibility it could be that you’re stronger than you seem. I know when you read this bit, you’ll tell me I sound so pretentious but hear me out lol. You’ve managed to put life in context many times but this year has been a bit different on many levels. You have fallen into the deeper understanding that everything that has crossed your path from inception had a role to play in pushing you ahead to where you are in this moment. Okay, I’ll stop waxing philosophical right now. However, what I’m really trying to say is, for so long, you’ve struggled to come to terms with the fact that life hasn’t intentionally dealt you the worst cards. That life is just life and you don’t have a target on your back. Now you understand that you’re a part of it as much as it is a part of you and it won’t do either of you any good beefing each other unnecessarily. That’s your biggest win this year, if you ask me.
How can we not talk about family when they are all that we have? I am certain that you would have in fact not been able to do life this year without yours. Despite you-know-what, life has gone on and it’s a relief that it’s kept you closer as opposed to the alternative. The best days of 27 were spent in the bosom of family and I cannot write this piece without acknowledging them. My little cocoon of home and love, I do not for a second take them for granted.
When you counted your blessings this year, you counted your friends 20 times more. Because they are wholesome and you allow yourselves to be there for each other. I hope they know how lucky you are to have them as much as they are to have you. I am aware that you vetted your relationships and that you’re quite satisfied with the quality of which you now hope to take with you unto the next decade. Well done on being a friend indeed.
Your word for the year was “more”. This year was supposed to be about more people, more love and more experiences. In a way, maybe it still was. In this letter though, I would like to focus more on what was than what wasn’t. So here’s to the more that came into my life in the past year: James ‘Michael’ Bond. He deserves a whole letter of his own, to be honest, and I shall be sending one to him in a bit anyway. Seriously, bless him for showing up in my journey exactly when he did.
Wetin you no sabi do, my love?
Originally Tee’s words, not mine. Did she say that to butter you up or because she genuinely meant it though? I think yes and yes. Two things can be right at the same time and I hope you always remember. But to answer that: there is actually nothing wey you no sabi do (as long as you put in the work). DIY princess, I sincerely hail your prowess.
LOL (I prefer not to speak).
I understand that you’ve started to care a bit more than necessary about what people think in this regard. I also know it’s not because you’re worried. In fact, I know that you are not worried for you at all because you know that it all works out in the end. You just don’t like to be pitied and looked at as though, you’re missing out on a huge part of life and there’s nothing you can do about it. Jane Austen once wrote, “I’m 27 years old, I have no money and no prospects. I am already a burden to my parents and I’m frightened”. Well, it’s a relief you’ll soon no longer be qualified to quote that line ever again. Just never forget that nothing that’s for you will require you to act out of character to get it. Onwards, my love.
You were afraid to burn bridges because that meant no going back. Then you realized what was the point of a bridge that linked to you but led nowhere for you. So you burnt that useless piece of infrastructure down and never looked back. Did I tell you how great that was? I didn’t and it’s probably why you feel bad about it, Well, you’re a softie and are far too kind for your own good sometimes. Remember this though: they didn’t mind using you for as long as it benefitted them and the minute they clocked that you were going to be a bother, they were ready to axe you down. Remember that the next time you feel bad for them, softie.
The good stuff
I recall a conversation you had with an old friend a couple of weeks back. He wanted to really know how you were doing because it had been a long minute since you’d spoken. You answered that you were doing very well and I remember how much you meant that response. You weren’t just playing it safe and trying to bullshit your way out of an answer because it wasn’t a question you needed to run away from anymore. Your life may not be marked by what many will refer to as significant milestones or declarations but guess what, you’re doing okay still. This year, you discovered that the measure of your life isn’t tied to anything that doesn’t come from within you. This year, you came back home to yourself and acknowledged only the good stuff. I am incredibly proud of you.
Ah this one. I almost forgot to mention it. Perhaps because its self-importance subtly annoys you and you don’t want to spare it any more thoughts than you already did. But since we’re here, I might as well get it over with. For all it’s worth, this was an exploration that you don’t completely regret took place. The reason is that you think if it hadn’t happened, you’d probably have lived the rest of your life wondering about the possibilities of it. What if it was the one? What if you had lost out on an amazing future? Now you know it doesn’t quite hold a light to what you will ever want. Because while you were busy exploring and got your hands dirty trying to do the work you believed it would take, someone got mad they were asked to even lift a finger. So yeah, water under the bridge, that one. Also, I think that as a woman, you need to learn more wickedness.
Sometimes, the mountain was you. While I’m not trying to drag you for filth, because I am fully aware that you do tend to take accountabilty of these few occurences, I feel the need to point it out in this letter as a reminder that even though life could be lifing, you were the problem sometimes too. I hope you never lose sight of the work that remains to be done towards the betterment of the self.
Finally, thank you 27. For paving the way to the rest of my non-problematic years. You were a delight. A star among ages past. I’ll always speak fondly of you, my transformative year.
I know you’re dying to ask if it’s really goodbye at this point. Of course it isn’t, silly! I will definitely see you around. I am you, after all lol. On that note, don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re not special because that would be a big fat lie. You’re the stuff of fairytales so don’t ever stop acting like it. I love you and I adore you, always. 💛
Yours till the wheels start to do kre kre kre,