Hello 29,
Oh what a delight it has been to be you! My favourite age by far. I know I said that about 28 but I guess there’s been a conscious effort to positively one-up each other between then and now. My refreshing year. The one that came to restore me. You’ve brought me so much blessings. So much that if I start to count, this letter would never end. But let me tell you what truly defined you, 29, because it happened in a conversation that was fifteen years overdue.
This year, I held hands with my 15-year old self. We spoke at length about a lot and this is a summary of the things I told her: “I don’t remember when you first started performing. I don’t remember where you learnt it from or who showed you how. I just knew that you performed. You acted, contorted and shifted yourself into ways you imagined were more desirable, more exciting and easily digestible. Being seen was priority for you and the moments when you weren’t seen, you felt sad. You felt less than. And whenever a time comes as such when you caught little glimpses of being acknowledged, you cherished and doubled down on those moments that brought them forth. Hoping that perhaps if you could just simply recreate them, the stars would align again. You would practice your gait, your mannerisms and the way you imagined yourself being perceived. You would pander and powder endlessly.
You wasted so much of your energy charging towards what you thought was important. Of course, you didn’t know better then. You made the decisions from the knowledge of who you were at the time. And sometimes, I feel bad for it. Scratch that, every time I feel bad for you. I don’t blame you though. I could never blame you. You did the best you could and I am incredibly proud of the girl that you were. After all, you made me into who I am today and if nothing else is a testament to the icon that you were, my current sense of character is. I would very much like to admit that this foundation was, if not fully, remarkably formed at the time. At 15, you were a child that exuded the promise of so much. Oyindamola omo alárà, the one who is full of wonder. You woke up one day and decided you needed a qualifier name. And yes, you did do wonderful things no matter how insignificant you may have thought they were. Because of you, I still try to do wonderful things and I suspect that we will always remember to never lose our wonder. You set the pace.
There was a lot you didn’t know and even now as a 29 year old, I’m not afraid to admit there are huge amount of things I am clueless about. You would probably expect me to be embarrassed by that. Weirdly, I am not. I doubt there’s ever a world where you could have imagined the possibility of that. I am not and to be honest, it’s completely okay to not know everything. I wish someone else had told you that sooner. To hold your hand and to tell you that with the little you knew, you did great with me. You were far from perfect, far from faultless. But do you know what you were? You were whole and you always have been. If that isn’t perfection, I don’t know what is. I doubt I’ll ever stop performing, though. As I’ve grown, I’ve realized that life itself is performance. But now, I choose my dance, my very own acts. I live life on my own terms while embracing every parts of me. Because I understand that true light is balanced. It integrates the dark and doesn’t try to escape it. I can be calm like a dove and I can roar like the storm. I can love and be loved in return. I can be happy for others and I can admit there’s enviousness sometimes too. I can put myself to high standards and still be human too. I can still carpe the hell out of this diem. For you and all of us that came after you. Ultimately, I need you to know that I see you. I see you like crazy. As it turns out, the one person who truly mattered in seeing you was me, in the end. It was always me. Thank you for being the blueprint.”
There are many milestones you hit this year but it felt like this was the most important one. 15 years later and you went back home to yourself. Truly beautiful and honestly it’s better late than never. It was a year of many firsts and it was with an open heart that you embarked on unfamiliar terrains. You wrote your first short story this year and it didn’t end there. You started a community. So many materials you gathered, so much groundwork laid and I have no doubts that your future self will be grateful for them. This year, you flew beyond your perch and watched sunsets in foreign lands. A future without barriers. Your smile was renewed and it brought you freedom from beyond the stars. So many life-changing occurrences this year and I must say, they were all very becoming. I am incredibly impressed by your continuous zest for artistry and the impact you’ve allowed it to make on your heart. There was so much calmness this year and it almost feels like you were saving your breath. Building up to what’s to come, much of which is yet to unfold. Regardless, it’s been a remarkable year and will go down in memory as one of the best ones.
I notice the letter appears shorter this year. I think it’s because you were less troubled, I think because you had less things to work through. For that, you thank the ones that came before you and I already know I’ll sing your prowess to the years to come. For a gracefulness that’s eternal, a vibe that’s immaculate and a heart that’s filled with love. Thank you, 29.
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