Lessons from my twenties

It’s my last month as a 29-year-old, and as my 30th birthday draws near, I’m forced to come to terms with the very cliché fact that I do have wisdom to share. I mean, staying alive for three decades through a generational shift, many cultural resets, and a global pandemic? You have to admit, it is a lot. It’s like my soul has been taking notes all this time, and now, as the page gradually turns to another era, it only feels right to speak forth from the sagacity that age has bestowed on me. So, let me just get into it real fast without wasting time: 

You are the ultimate love of your life. If there’s only one thing you take away from this post, let it be this. In your life, you may come to experience many different loves, and they will probably be the most beautiful, rewarding journeys. But it’s equally tragic if you don’t end up being at least one of them. Growing older has helped me realise the disservice of waiting to be loved because you’ve internalized that it’s not something you give to yourself. You deserve to love yourself just as much as you desire to be loved, especially because no one can love you right if you don’t first show them how to do it. So, my darling, you better start loving yourself. Wholeheartedly. Today, always, and forevsssss. 

Whatever comes, choose your own heart. Again and again. As someone who battled with self doubt in my early twenties, this revelation is probably the most important lesson I have learned, and I owe it to posterity to share it. In every single moment of doubt, every painful choice, every terrifying leap, you have to choose yourself. If you’re ever at a crossroad and the decision boils down to who to choose, do not think twice. There will be that grating noise at the back of your mind telling you to do otherwise but I implore you to listen instead to that other tiny voice that knows what’s best for you, and trust it implicitly. Believe in your own sauce. Your heart, your gut, whichever one you identify with best, is your compass, and if you listen to it, you’ll never truly get lost. It’s not the ABCs and you’re unlikely to learn how to listen to it overnight but if you stay true, I promise that it will come to serve you in more ways than one. 

You have to stretch towards your becoming. Comfort is easy but nothing gets done in that zone. As a last born of 3, I grew up selfish. I had people doing things for me all the time, which made me extremely entitled. It wasn’t until I had to start holding my own that I fully came undone. I unraveled in like the worst way possible. I woke up one morning and realised I had to lead my own life and I was like, sorry what? Your growth is your job and no one else’s. That means actively and intentionally pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, even when it’s scary. Especially then! It means doing the hard work of self-reflection, making the difficult choices, and holding yourself accountable. Growth isn’t comfortable, but it’s the only way you become the person you are truly meant to be, my dearest. If you ask for flowers, it only makes sense that you get rain. 

Reinventing yourself is probably my favorite thing to do. The free will to constantly evolve at every opportunity life bestows? Best believe I’m taking it! I used to be an avid believer in remaining steadfast at one singular thing for the rest of my life. While I deeply admire the consistency that accompanies dedication, I also became fully aware of the dangers of staying “true” to behaviors that no longer serve who I aspire to become. I am in love with the flexibility that comes with choosing to be all that I want to be and this is because I have come to understand, like a good monk, that it’s totally alright not to climb every mountain, even when the choices are right in front of me. You want to go from living in black-and-white to a life in full color? Do you, bestie!

Settling for less than you deserve should never be in your cards. It’s easy to look around and feel the pressure. You see your peers moving forward, hitting milestones, and you think, “maybe this is good enough.” Let me tell you right now: good enough is the enemy of all that is great. You are a masterpiece in the making and you deserve a life that echoes your strength. Don’t dim your light just to fit into someone else’s shadow. The cards of your life are in your hands, so don’t be afraid to reshuffle the deck until it feels right. I have to add though, that you can’t know if you’re settling unless you first know what you deserve. So, you might have to get to work on yourself first. 

Temporary loves are just as beautiful. What are temporary loves, you ask me? They are the ones that “didn’t make it,” the ones we “dodged their bullets.” It’s so easy to write them off as a loss that we urge ourselves to move on from. But I believe that temporary loves are just as crucial as the ones we eventually come to revere as “lasting.” They are just as important in shaping our existence and who we are becoming. We are incomplete if we continue to erase the parts of ourselves that simply didn’t come with us all the way. That being said, this doesn’t mean that you should not ask the heavens and the earth to punish that person who broke your heart into smithereens, those ones need to see shégè by God’s grace. 

You cannot love someone into their potential. This was a tough one to learn for me because as a person that sees beauty in everyone, I fall in love every time. Not even just romantically, let me be honest. If you’re like me then you’ll get this. You see their brilliance, and you believe with every fiber of your being that if you just love them enough, they will become the person you know they can be. I’m sorry but it doesn’t work that way. People change when they want to, and you are not responsible for someone else’s becoming. It took me the entirety of my twenties to learn that you should never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Don’t do it. 

They’re not rejecting you, they’re rejecting the moment and that’s okay. Rejection was another thing I struggled with. I took them so personally, my God. It always felt like an affront, an attack, like a “how dare you?” our egos are such gigantic things. Rejection stings especially if you went above and beyond, of course but what if you changed your entire outlook about what it really means? A person’s “no” is almost never about our worth; it’s about their own capacity, their timing, or their current path. When I realized this was when I started letting things go without giving it the power to diminish me. It’s simply a moment in time, not a judgment on my entire existence. And you want to know the real tea? A rejection from what you’re gunning for is often nothing more than a redirection towards that which is truly meant for you and that’s that on that as far as that is concerned.

There’s always a turning back. I know we all know that trendy song. You know exactly the one I’m talking about. Yes, that one. It’s such a beautiful song and I admire the message and I’m choosing to reference it to pass an entirely different message because it feels like a great hook to hang it on for recall purposes. Starting over is the pits especially if you’ve gone so far but you can always get off that moving train. No matter how far you’ve strayed from your path, no matter how many mistakes you’ve made, and no matter how broken you feel, there is always an option to turn back. You’re not stuck. You’re not finished. It is not over until you say so. Every single day offers a fresh start, a chance to choose a different direction. And all you have to do is take that first step.

Finally, Nothing lasts forever. If you know me then you probably already know this is my favorite mantra, and I genuinely believe it’s God’s honest truth. The good will come and go, the bad will eventually disappear, and the ugly will not tarry for eternity. You can enjoy moments of life and you can enjoy life as a whole but you will not enjoy everything all of the time. Nothing is set in stone. Do with that what you will.

And so here’s to a new decade and all the messy, beautiful lessons that comes with it. It’s an era that belongs to me, a time for loving with intention, and stretching towards the person I am becoming. The wisdom of my twenties is the foundation for the freedom of my thirties. This has been a moment of reckoning, a chance to come home to myself and that, my beloved, has been the truest happy ending of all. I hope you find these lessons useful.

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