in my head: on not being nonchalant
My nonchalance is often a delayed response to another person’s indifference. I say delayed because my immediate reaction isn’t even indifference, it’s curiosity. It’s asking questions that clearly aren’t intended to be answered, but asking anyway because there simply must be more depth. So, at first, I gently nudge you to meet me at the ocean floor. A bit dramatic, I’d admit but seriously where else is there? They say go hard or go home, I like to go hard even when I’m going home. So then when you can’t at least meet me halfway, I am forced to quieten my curiosity and lower the gaze of my wonderment.
Before, I found that level of detachment cool and I even attempted to try and be capable of it at some point in my life. I think I found it cool because, like when we encounter alien-like things, our brains are first compelled to interpret them as superior or magnificent. It’s only when we take a deep dive that we might find that it’s often nothing more than a meaningless piece of space debris. The reality I’ve discovered is some people are not even that interesting and there really isn’t anything worthwhile to see. It’s why they cover it up with insouciance. They pretend not to care about many things because sadly, they never built themselves up to become capable of caring enough about anything or anyone. So they hide their lack of depth, under the guise of indifference. But of course, this is simply my perception and not based on a universal truth.
I’ve gone on a bit of tangent there but back to me: I have come to accept that I am in fact not nonchalant. That I am not lukewarm about anything in my life I care about and neither do I want to pretend like I am. I care deeply, sometimes too much. Sometimes I’m so affected by things that I can’t pretend not to like something I genuinely enjoy, or feign interest in someone I don’t want to reckon with. However, maturing is realizing that balance in everything is key. That while it’s important to care, I will no longer do it just because it comes naturally to me. It’s understanding that not everyone deserves full access to my heart. That love and kindness are gifts and I will only offer them with intention, not on impulse. I am slowly learning discernment and choosing the things that choose me too.
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