Diary of an Ibadan Girl: Entry 14

I feel like the worst thing that has ever happened to me is being attracted to men.

I don’t get my life. Honestly. Like, I don’t get it. Today, I want a boyfriend. The next minute, I can’t stand any man. Perhaps I have a psychological problem? I don’t know why I’m in my feelings lately. Probably because Valentine’s near and Love is everywhere and it has this stupid way of making you feel like there is this big ongoing party that you’re not a part of. So it’s like you’re missing out.

Before I even continue, I want to secretly rant about how I’ve only been back home for a few days and I am already tired of the people in this house. I don’t know why they’re doing as if life was on hold while I was away and it’s me they have been waiting for so that they can kill me with responsibility. I mean, I just got back from the NYSC orientation camp, can I breathe? Everything is Morenike this, Morenike that, since I got back. O ti su life mi.

The first days were really great, undoubtedly. Everybody was treating me like a VIP. But since like two days ago now, all the traveled-out-of-the-state vibes have since disappeared. Maami has started telling me to go and serve the food again. Morolayo has started begging me to help her lay the bed that she usually scatters. Even MO (we call my little brother, Moteleola, MO because since he entered Ss1 like this, he has been forming one stupid fresh) has started bringing his assignments like, explain the difference between Alkenes and alkynes. You can imagine, me that I don’t even remember what I studied at the University.

In short, everybody has started annoying me again and this is why I wanted so bad serve in Abuja or somewhere with a reasonable distance away from home so that I may leave this house and all the cruise they are using me to catch. Now that I’ve redeployed back home bayii, Na die.

Anyways, what was I even talking about initially? Ehn ehn. Love and its orishirishi. See, I’m tired. I really don’t know if I want a boyfriend or I just miss being called “baby” by someone that I actually like. Because the way I’m doing as if I am the one that will marry myself when all these boys come around and I’m telling them to leave me alone is beyond me.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not as if I have a long line of suitors waiting for my hand or any ridiculous thing like that. My life is not that interesting abeg. Nor do I relish the business of turning people down. In fact, it weighs me down whenever I know that I have to cut somebody off. Which is why I don’t even try to keep anyone around for long so it wouldn’t be like I’m leading anybody on. Despite this, all these boys low-key think I’m a bitch. Because I’ve not settled with anyone, yet I’m chasing everybody away.

But that’s the problem! How can I settle with anyone that I’m not on the same wavelength with? How can I pretend that l like boys that I don’t even like? For example now, look at Olayinka. I swear to God, there’s nothing exactly wrong with Yinka. It’s just that I don’t really like him. I don’t see myself liking someone like him, actually. Yinka is too eager for my life! Probably because we grew up together and all of that, he feels like we have this undeniable history which irritates me because I clearly do not want a boyfriend that constantly reminds me of the stupid Daddy and Mummy games we used to play back then. I also don’t think I want a man that feels like we’re destined together, I don’t need that certainty in my life right now. Olayinka should just go and sit in one place abeg.

Then there’s Akinlolu. That one is even annoying. He thinks the world of himself and he is always emphasizing the idea that he would be doing me a favor by making me “his girl”. I’m like, who does that? I feel like I’m already cocky enough for me and future bae. I don’t need any more of that in my life, please.

Then there’s also Femi. Femi is one of the cutest boys that I’ve been opportune to meet, I cannot even lie. But Femi has anger issues and he’s controlling. I can’t have a boyfriend that would be monitoring my movement up and down when in the preliminaries gan-an, he’s started moving mad talking about who are the boys that are calling my phone.

Another one is Rasheed who is actually real nice. It’s just one thing. I can’t deal with the way he talks. Rasheed has the “sh” factor or what do they call it. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable if I went out with my boyfriend and he started to say, “Shervice” instead of “service”. I know it makes me appear shallow but I don’t think I can live with that, to be very honest. I’d just be kidding us both.

Then there’s also this one that I met recently and we kind of had an early smooth vibe. His name is Olamide. This one was even forming sapiosexual in the beginning. Apparently, Uncle was waiting for green light so that he can put on his chameleon coat of many colors. At first, when he started making statements like, “Can I browse on your system?”, I thought it was real funny. But then it became an every time thing when this boy would be trying to get his hands on me at every chance. I had to cut him off too. I haven’t come this far to be someone’s midday snack abeg.

Then, there’s Idris. Who, technically is not even anything to me right now. He’s just this person I’ve had a crush on since I could spell and I think I started spelling really well at age 7. He came back home recently from the abroad and since then, he has been throwing me “on and off” signals. He has a girlfriend that is in the abroad but I still don’t know what Uncle is up to. Of course, I don’t want to get together with someone that already has someone. I’d never ruin another person’s joy, God forbid. So, I don’t really know about that one.

See, I could go on with the list but I feel like I’ve made my point. There are people to link up with and all of that, but I just don’t feel any attachment to any of them. Except of course Idris which is clearly a dead one and which is also just great because the only boy that I actually feel like I like has a girlfriend and now I’m going to die alone.

What a life.

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